How I Got A Hurlock Tattooed On My Ass
by HyperNDA
Summary: Pretty self-explanatory title. Pointless, just for laughs. The characters from my story 'Heroes' get drunk and things get a little crazy! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!


_**The characters in this story are from my other story Heroes. It kinda sucks right now, but I'm about to update it, so go check it out. In this story, the Wardens and friends get drunk at Tapsters and things get a bit wild! Pleaseeeee review. I'll worship you forever! ^_^**_

How I Got a Hurlock Tattooed on my Ass

I don't really remember how I got here, playing various drinking games in Tapster's Tavern. I don't really think I can really be here, but sure enough, there's my sister Farahna giving Zevran a lap dance and Hollandria sucking face with Alistair. I shouldn't be getting drunk right now, there's a Blight to stop. But just currently, I couldn't care less.

Leliana, wonderful Leliana, produces a lute and we all start singing out of tune.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

There once was a woman, she lived in the sea!

I didn't love her, but I think she loved me!

I brought her diamonds, rubies, emeralds and gold!

But all she wanted was to be saved from the cold!

We made love in the sea! We made love on the shore!

I was just there for playing but she wanted more!

But, no matter how I try, I can't grant her wish!

My wife gets suspicious when I come home smelling like fish!"

Oghren punctuates each line with a belch, I'm sure he's going to fit in just fine. Everyone hold the final note, except for the people almost making love at our table, Hollandria and Alsitair. Hehe, Alsitair! Innocent Chantry boy, my ass! Zevran pulls an empty bottle out from behind his back.  
"Hey, neat trick!" Tithi yells, scrabbling at his back. "Where did that come from? Let me see!" Zevran ignores her and spins the bottle calmly on the table. It stops pointing at me.  
"Well what does that mean?" I ask uncertainly.  
"Why my dear, it means I get to kiss you!" Zevran answers, leaning toward me.

"Oi! No fair! I thought we were playing truth or dare!" Farahna whines with a pout.  
"Yeah, ZEV!" I shriek, pointing at him accusingly. "Hic."  
"Hello Warden? Would you people like a refill?" a timid dwarf asks us. I think her name is Corra. She is usually loud but the boisterousness of the people at my table must scare her. I can understand that, we're all drunk and everyone looks fairly scary.  
"Yess! I am a Warden! I kill Darkprawns!" I shout with a grin, accepting a full tankard.  
"Drat," Zev says. "Fine, Lucianna, truth or dare?" I ponder this choice for a while, booze making my thoughts fuzzy.  
"Dare!" I declare, pleased with my decision. Zevran smirks.  
"Pash Alistair!" He yells. There is a collective gasp from people around the table. Alistair and Hollandria are still oblivious, making out like they'll die tomorrow. I'm so plastered, nothing is too ridiculous a request. But I have to break them up first…  
"FIRE!" I shout in Nevarran, Hollandria's language. She tears her face from the prince and glances around wildly. I take the opening and swoop down on Alistair to pash him. Swooping is most definitely GOOD! He's like, a fantastic kisser. Must be all the practise he gets with Hollandria! He must be really drunk, because he kisses me back. Hollandria sees us at this point and hiccups in fury.  
"You… You… You skinny Ferleddan BITCH!" She shouts before passing out.  
"That's _Fereldan, _you nutcase." Tithi says pointedly.

"Hey, are you _instimulating _something about Nevarra, elf?" Kristole gasps, highly insulted. Tithi sighs and leaves the table, muttering about finding Ellena, who left ages ago.  
"Gahlisthair?" I ask against his mouth.  
"Yeth?" He responds, not breaking the kiss.  
"Good – hic – night." With that, I whack him over the head with my tankard of ale. He crumples to the ground and lands on top of Hollandria.  
Hic.

"Big Og, truth or dare?" I ask the bearded maniac.  
"AND THAT'S WHEN SHE, SHE, SHE… BWAHAHAHA!" he roars before sliding off the bench, unconscious. Kristole laughs really hard before keeling over the back of the bench, asleep.  
"Leliana, duth or trare?" I ask the pretty redhead. It's funny, she's a pretty redhead, I'm a pretty redhead and so is Farahna! Cool!

"DARE!" she grins and chugs her ale.

Things go a bit nuts after that. Someone suggests a sponge bath and Sten threatens to leave. Wynne ditches, muttering something about foolish behaviour and Morrigan left hour age, to find some young children to scare, presumably. I scull another tankard of ale and the world takes on a charming violet hue. It's only my 4th drink. Or 17th. I don't really remember. Or care.

"Farahna!" I yell. "My B-E-A-U-tiful twin! I love you! And Leliana! My best ever friend, like, ever!" I am beautiful. Kristole is beautiful. Farahna is beautiful. Heck, even Oghren is beautiful. We live in a beautiful, colourful world. My head is buzzing pleasantly. I'm wearing Pious armour. I love this Armour! Farahna is wearing the matching Devout armour! I love that armour too! I hope _she_ loves it! Hic. I scan the table for any signs of life. I notice my twin and take in our matching armour.  
"Hey! We're like, identical. Why is that?" she shrugs and belches. Noble daughter indeed. I finger my hair. It's the colour of wine. I like wine! It has beautiful curls. More beauty! Hmm… wine… good ale, but as a noble, I'm more used to wine. Like my hair. Which is beautiful!  
"Hey, Zevvy!" I shout. "Can you tattoo?"  
"Yes, I can, in fact. Why? Were you thinking of getting one?"  
"Yesh." I bob my head pleasantly. Whoa, am I hammered or what? "But it has to be beautiful. Like my hair! Like this very beautiful ale!" I announce grandly, sloshing my new, full tankard.  
"What about a Hurlock? That's beautiful!" Leliana suggests.  
"That's a – hic – great idea! Where should I get it?" Nobody has any ideas. "Zev, you pick!"  
"First I need to bathe you in a mixture of olives and rosewater." He says.  
"Sounds good! Lessgo! Remember, you pick where it is." I stand up and he escorts me back to his room.

And that's how I got a Hurlock tattooed on my ass. It seemed like a good idea at the time!

_**Hope you guys liked it! Remember to review!**_


End file.
